No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
