I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
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