Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Never joke about your clitoris.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
