When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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