She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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