Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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