I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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