do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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