can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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