If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
