I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
