I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I can feel your judgement through the phone
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
