holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
soo... how was my night?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
