Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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