so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
