We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
