well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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