Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
