I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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