wanna go halves on a baby?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You're a waste of cheezeits
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
