were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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