Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
