I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You made out with two different species that night
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
