the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
