I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
