I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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