he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
