enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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