Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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