i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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