Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
