That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
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It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
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Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
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