Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Vodka?
Forever.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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