im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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