Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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