i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
This house was built for laser tag.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
