All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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