I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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