Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
