The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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