I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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