Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
