my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things ππ
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize