Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
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Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
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A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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