Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
