my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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