Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
