You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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