Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
