you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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