Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
