Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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